Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house