Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
At an art museum and I thought this was art