Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My last name is Zilla.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending