Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
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Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow