Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
no regrets
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica