Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
You Might Also Like
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Ken is short for chicken
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.