sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’m giving up ice.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Saturday
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.