Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
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Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.