garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
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Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”