[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
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Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.