I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones