Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
You Might Also Like
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car