I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.