I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
How software testing works
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie