I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
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Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.