Do one person every day that scares you.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.