8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
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4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
bugs when you lift up a rock
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.