I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.