SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Only Americans understand
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check