SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “