You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut