she has a point
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.