I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Ha.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Not recommended for beginners.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.