Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
You Might Also Like
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.