My horoscope said I should kiss you today
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Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
FRED: right
wait.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.