Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*