π€·π½ββοΈπ€¦π½ββοΈπ©
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
We all have our pet causes.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
True freaking story!
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Not arguing with people in 2024, Iβm just gonna say βit makes sense that you would think thatβ
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved oneβs cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. Thatβs a dead giveaway.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
πYears
βπ 2022
βπ Good stuff
ββ οΈ This folder is empty
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Oh I donβt know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK ITβS GOING?
This is always good for a laugh.
Kids: Weβre bored!
Me: Why donβt you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
i like elevator conversations because i know thereβs a time limit