the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I have never related to anyone more.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses