I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
dream blunt rotation
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
hmm conte-me mais
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Oops I deleted….
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…