*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
rapatouille
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing