“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.