Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
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I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
some cats are just doing for fun!
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again