Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Well well well…
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will