Friday night party time 🥳
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Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.