the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.