Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
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Passwords are more important than ever.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?