Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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happy valentine’s day to me
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
#milo
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
sir, my pâté if you please
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost