Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
*Inspirational Tweets*
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.