me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.