*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase