It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Canada has crack?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”