Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil