“What?”
– Jude
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.