I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Pikachu found the lost joint
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks