girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for