I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful