[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
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Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
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me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
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me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
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