Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.