Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.