I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
You Might Also Like
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
nice challenge
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.